Thursday, October 11, 2007

Self Indulgent Introspective Crap

Disclaimer: Seriously, you probably don't want to read the following. It's therapy through writing and unlikely to be of interest to you.

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Last week I was anticipating the joy of an eight hour long flight, which I prepared for by buying a book. By chance I chose a favourite author, Richard Feynman, and without any clue as to the nature of the book I bought it and started reading. The whole first chapter was a tribute to his father.

Coincidentally a combination of events came together that day.

Standing waiting for the flight, I heard my name behind me and turned to find none other than my ex-fiancee waiting for the same flight. Going to the same city in Niagara, holding a ticket to sit beside me. Karma is cruel.

The young lady in question, nine years my senior, played an instrumental role in the idea that perhaps I'd live my life without raising a family. And for the three years since our separation I kept that idea.

It was only this summer that I met a friend who made me question that idea. Hell, I abandoned the idea like a hot potato(e) and re-evaluated all my plans in an instant. (Soul mates... infinitely dangerous.) Once I began to question the fundamental tenets of my existence, all hell started breaking loose.

I recently met another new (very special) friend and I decided not to mention to her my idea that perhaps I wouldn't ever have kids. Wow! Suddenly I'm attractive!

Sitting there on the plane, beside the ex, reading Richard Feynman's tribute to his father, I suddenly no longer knew. My life had gained perspective.

And all these thoughts came to me before my Mom spent five days in the hospital for a (suspected) heart attack. Add mortality to the thought of immortality and the whole idea of kids starts looking ... well, its still looking pretty scary.

Thus far I've travelled, had fun and sought adventure. I've done things because they scared me... never avoiding fear. And although I've gone this far in life seeking challenges, this one challenge has always seemed beyond reach, beyond my expectations, and beyond my desires. But now... I don't know. It's all changing. It's all different. It's all far more serious. And suddenly I'm really fucking confused.

6 comments:

Theresa said...

Hi Morgan. I had no idea about your Mom, is she okay? Having kids is a scary thing, especially since you're responsible for them until they've grown up. And from what I've heard the worries don't stop there either. But having kids is also a beautiful experience, they change your perspective about everything. I have three and wouldn't have done it any differently even if I could. I'm sure your Mom and Dad would say the same about you. But it's also something that each person has to decide for themselves, and we can't help you make your choice. In any case, I hope your confusion will soon be over, one way or another. :)

I Dive At Night said...

Theresa, how's the rain in spain today? It's been lovely here, except that J.D. is now in hospital for the fifth day or my 6-1/2 day trip home.

As for the kids bit... well that was largely therapy. But also a part of it is just about getting a little older and wondering what I've been missing. FYI you and I are roughly the same age (+/- 1yr) and your three are like little adults. Spooky scary!

I'll be closer to 50 by the time any of mine could be that age.

quilly said...

Morgan, personally I think the people who shouldn't have kids are the ones who have little reverence, awe -- and yes, healthy fear -- for the thought of being responsible for another life.

I Dive At Night said...

*blush* Thanks Quilly, that's lovely point.

As an update, J.D. is undergoing yet more tests. There's a slim chance she'll be home in a few hours, which is what we've been told ever few hours for the past 5 days.

Minka said...

Gosh, ia m really worried about your Mom...5 days in hospital under surveillance does not sound like a walk in the park. Yet, I think it is better to be safer than sorrier in the end. I love lookign at the picture of your mom in the last post...such loving spirit even on a hospital bed. I wish i could give her a hug and you some tea :)

Now...bummer about the EX, that must have been rather unpleasant. 8 hours flight? I hope you drew dooles on her face while she was sleeping. I kid!

Now about children...Don't know what to tell you. I always knew I wanted one and it is a point very hard to change within...I presume your point is just as strong and therefore I won't even attempt to paint the beautiful sides for you. All I know- for myself- is that I know how NOT to raise kids, which doesn't teach me how to do it...but I figure it gives me at leats a shot at a rather decent outcome :)

I Dive At Night said...

She's home she's home she's home! I'm so excited, J.D. is home!

Minka, no one who knows you could ever doubt you will make a GREAT mother. Heck, I bet you could even inspire others to want to be parents... I bet.