Who are you?

It is one of the principle differences I notice between life in Europe and life in North America; in Europe, what you do for a living does not define "who you are". In North America it often does.

I remember, long ago, being proudly told by a Dutchman that you can often find a millionaire, a working man, and a homeless man sitting at the bar together, drinking and talking as equals. My own experience backs this up and I remember when friends I had known for long time periods were surprised to find out I was an engineer. It had just never come up in the course of dozens of conversations. I'm also a "writer" and a "diver" and a "teacher" and these are just as likely to be discussed as the day-to-day activities that pay the bills.

It is my experience in North America, when two strangers meet, that "what you do for a living" is almost certain to be amongst the first three questions discussed. In Holland the question instead is "where are you from?"

Worse still, I remember a friend who completely defined herself by her job. And when, through no fault of hers, she was stricken with multiple layoffs over multiple years, it devastated her.

I always felt that that was wrong. A part of who we are is what we do for money, but shouldn't we all strive to be so much more?

If the bar conversation includes me saying," I've lived and worked in Amsterdam for a number of years now," then a Dutchman would ask," How long?" while a Canadian tourist would ask," What job?"

Regardless, my standard answer is," Many jobs and many years," and the conversation moves on.

And it was with this perspective, because of it, that I was beginning to feel guilty. For days now I've been excited and nervous over a perspective job. Overly so, I was thinking.

I've always been proud of my career. But I've also know that "talking shop" can bore people to death. Anything beyond a 20 second description and people's faces glaze over. But if I am lucky enough to get this new job, I can imagine talking non-stop about work, work, work, work, work.

And so the voice of balance speaks from the back of my thoughts. It reminds me that I can share my enthusiasm, but not to excess. Jargon and shop talk will always bore people outside the office. And too much enthusiasm, shared, can be unwelcome. But being enthusiastic about and motivated by your work is a great thing. I look forward to applying this energy at work, to work!

And if the job comes to be, I look forward to celebrating by buying a round, and then asking my friends how their days went. For in the end, I would rather be the good friend who listened well, than the designer of X or Y. It frees up time for more interesting conversations, about who we really are.

Beautiful Strange

I think it's a music day today. My words all went to guest posting here.

Actually, I have a lot more words on the ideas expressed there, on feeling Dutch, feeling contectedness and more. To many for now.

This is a song by Bedrock called Beautiful Strange. It popped up on the stereo's randomized playlist and fit the moment.



Call me an optimist, but as I rose early with the new week, I felt an energy in the air. Perhaps today's job application will pan out to something wonderful. Perhaps it's just that today I had the energy and inspiration for a job application?

Nothing

It isn't easy to do "nothing". Sunbathing on a tropical beach may involve hours without motion, but you're still actively doing something. You're sunbathing and resting. The time you're putting in is part of a plan to achieve an end.

To really do nothing is a terrible thing. Totally different from "having nothing you have to do". Having nothing that needs doing is liberating, restful, and a time to choose. Because whenever there is nothing that needs doing there are still things that could be done. There are always things that could be done, and usually when faced with doing nothing, the could-be-done things finally get some attention.

When you're really doing nothing, there are still things that need to get done, and things that could be getting done. But these things don't get done.

And once you really get going with nothing, it's hard to stop. Or is that start? Either way, it's hard to change. After all, name the greatest activity you can think of, then ask "what could be better than that?" Nothing? Exactly. Nothing can always seem better. Although it never is.

Personally, I've had enough of nothing. I've re-re-started the job hunt. I've re-re-started attending karate and exercising nearly every day.

It all goes to proving one thing to me. What's better than nothing? Anything!

Empty v. Full

The other day a friend of mine told me she felt "empty". Her life was in a state of change and the actual changes were fully beyond her personal control or influence. She looked towards her life plan to see if it gave a clue as to where to go. Alas, this introspection showed her she wasn't actually following her life plan and thus it's anticipated guidance was more an admonishment.

So when you're not sure where you are, where you're going, or the relative bearing to anyplace you'd like to be, the net result is like feeling empty.

I feel full. So full that the billion ideas inside are fighting all at once to get out. And the result is paralysis.

I need change. And I can see how small efforts in any one of a dozen directions can affect the changes I need. But which direction, which efforts? So many options bring too many questions. And the questions fill me, and stop me.

I see opportunities to write. Many. So many ideas need exploring, telling. But none will pay the rent. I see opportunities to change career. I could be an instructor, teacher, coach. I could go apply for a job in that office over there. I don't know what they do and I don't care. But while that's change, is it a good change? There is even, perhaps, a chance to return to a previous job, and employ my years-honed skills. But how far away from my own life-plan is that? A lot.

Empty and full feel completely different on the inside. But they look the same. It's a focus, missing from the face of the individual out of balance.

Get on with it!

I took an hour today and read Johnny's Blog for the first time. A friend of many years and a blogger of many months, Johnny only sent the link to the "secret blog" last week.

I read through a few months of inspiring posts devoted to environmental responsibility and his current "career change". I'm now inspired to do more than read a blog post or two. I'm inspired to go out and improve something! To improve myself!

And really, right now, that's pretty freakin easy to do. Doing anything would be an improvement.

I still haven't been to karate. I feel so old and tired and weak that I can't motivate myself at 7pm to hop on the bus and go hurt myself. Well, it's time.

I haven't even been exercising properly at home. I should do that next. As in, right after typing this. I need to practice my kata for karate. And some stretches and exercises ought to improve the chances of going to the dojo tonight.

And when I'm done that I'm going to do a bit of reading. Starting with the mail. Open the envelopes, pay the bills, sort the rest. Then Pratchett. I've earned it and will devote an hour or more to finishing "Small Gods" before moving on to the remaining unread tomes.

Note, even when inspired to self-improvement I still don't plan time to look for work. I'm not there yet. The "moments of peace" have been few and far between. But I think I can litterally kick the blues away. The hope being that tomorrow I'll feel, better than this.

Finally a moment...

I'm here to report that I have finally felt a moment of peace.

It took a long time to figure out what it was, to find the word. It wasn't that I suddenly realized I felt happy. I didn't. But I didn't feel the pain either. There are challenges and bad times before me and behind, but this moment felt neutral. There is so much to be done, and yet nothing needed doing right then. After arriving home feeling sick yesterday, I finally felt well, and had slept.

And for a moment, peace felt good.

Thanks to Zeus the dog for making the cancelled flight in Frankfurt more tolerable. And thanks to all of you who have sent hugs and condolences via all the messages, emails and posts. They genuinely conveyed their messages and brought me strength in hard times.

Now? Well now there's simply a peaceful Saturday morning. Soon? Soon there will be the job hunt, moments of grieving, negotiations for temp work, signing up for Dutch class, returning to karate, and catching up with friends. A mixed bag.

Hopefully, every now and then, for a moment or two at a time, there will be more moments of peace.