Safari Morning

In England during and after the Second World War anyone could have recognized the sound of a Lancaster bomber. Or a Spitfire! 12 cylinders of Merlin engine, once or four times over. I'm what must be the 0.1% of my generation that can immediately recognize these things by sound. I spent most weekends of my adolesence at the airport. And one of the world's great aviation museums was close by. I volunteered at the annual airshow and knew the sound of every classic plane and engine that regularly flew there.

Even recently, I heard a DC-3 flying over and ran to a window to see it. Beautiful, and fully distinctive in it's own sound.

This morning I impressed myself with something similar, but original. I was laying in bed, still 90% asleep when I heard it...

Buzzzzzz, Bump, BUZZZzzzz, BUzzZZzz, BuzzZZ, Bump, BUZZZZZZZZZ, Bump

"Queen Bee!", went like a shot through my conscious and I was instantly awake. The elephant of the insect word was smashing its way around the curtains, and somehow I knew it from sound alone. It could have been a Merlin engine for all it's distinction. Clearly it was HUGE.

A few gentle tugs at the curtains revealed it really was a queen bee. And it really was Huge!

I got a stick to guide it out the, now fully, open window. She walked onto the end of the stick and rode it comfortably outside. Poor thing probably has a belly full of eggs and no collany yet to tend them. But my bedroom? No. Sorry. There shall be no bee hives in my bedroom.

Chickens, bunny rabbits, and squirrels are about the largest wild animals you'll ever see in Holland. (Yes, we have a lot of parks with "wild" chickens.) Relative to these normally benign surroundings, sleeping with a queen bee is like waking up on safari. It gets you moving in the morning.

Sedarisklas

I heard my first bits of David Sedaris' writing just recently. Specifically, his bit describing Sinterklas is, in my opinion, hillarious.



I've seen it. It's true. I never know what to say. It's like Santa, right? Well, no. But he's about Christmas and wearing red and has helpers. Written back in 1823, "Twas the Night Before Christmas" could never have held this many politically incorrect references. The Dutch have had hundreds and hundreds of years to desensitize themselves to this tradition.


I've even seen it myself. As I said, I never know what to say, so I asked to take their picture.

There is an absurdity to it. Which makes me think of the work of David Sedaris. I would love to write in that style. Except. Is it a style or just clinical depression? Either way it sounds funny. I wonder if he has a different personality he puts on at night or on weekends? I hope he does. I don't think I would want to live my life depressed for the sake of writing better. Especially since writing makes me happy. So I would constantly be hitting writer's block... I'd write, feel happy about it, not be able to write more, then get depressed and write about it. Oh my.

Maybe I'll just stick to writing my own way. Stories about squirrels and chipmunks are for David to write. I'll just let you know about the funnier bits. Like Sinterklas and his 6 to 8 black men.

I Do Feel Older...

I've had a lot of ideas passing through my head as the next potential blog post. There's so much! I wanted to describe the nazi rally in Germany (and the 10x bigger anti-nazi rally). I wanted to describe the trip to Germany (just for shopping... picture frames and a USB WiFi adaptor). I wanted to proclaim my enthusiasm for my upcoming (three days from now) trip to Canada, with Nancy!

And then I looked at my own blog. I read the title, and I knew the next. I do feel older! I remarked today that for the last few months "sitting" and "standing" again are painful activities. If I sit, I'll stay there a while, thank you. If I stand, I may as well stay standing for a bit.

I'm back on another exercise kick... hitting the weights as often as I can. "As often as I can" is a function (partly) of when the pain from the last session dies down. This time-frame is growing. A sure sign of age.

Does this mean I have to be more diligent about what I eat, and how I spend my free time? I think it does. I think it means I have to exercise better, sleep better, eat better.

I've never before actually considered the idea of being physically less capable than I previously was. But the little painful bits that I'm beginning to call "the day" are registering in my brain. Based on this new data, I humbly suggest a new variation of an old phrase...

"You're only as old as your knees feel."

Party Update

Hosting is fun! It really is. I never used to think that, but past friends have taught me how to organize a party. I've taken their teachings, adding in a bit of process engineering, and I think I have the plans for a party that runs itself.

I see myself cleaning glasses a few times through the night... but that should be it.

Adam loves to bake, and I'm afraid of ovens, so he's volunteered to put fresh french bread in the oven every hour or two. (They sell semi-baked bread here.) And he's offered to bake a batch of his (from scratch) brownies. My apartment is going to smell incredible!

The beer is sourced and cooled. The fridge is full. There's some air space in there, but I don't think the shelves can take the weight of another row of bottles. And the three spare cases (cooling) on the balcony are sorted so that each case contains a mix of the three beer varieties. Grolsch, Heineken and Brand will all be available all night.

The liquor stock in the bar would make a Kennedy proud. (Mental note, need more mix.)

Music will play when ever diving videos aren't. And anyone will be welcome to select the next song from the list of thousands available.

Last weekend I spent a bit on chairs. Nice ones! But I'm expecting mostly standing. Especially around the dining room table which will be packed with foods and drink.

Down the hall the bathroom and water closet are spotless. It took until 10pm last night, but every inch is shiny and clean. (Totally opposite to Sunday morning no doubt.) And I'll be leaving the bucket and cleaning supplies near by. "Accidents happen. There's the bucket, clean it up."

I'm very excited by how many people are coming! I really hope everyone has as much fun partying as I'm having planning. My only last concern... does anyone know where you can buy ice in Holland???

Three words!

It's a poor photo. Sorry. But would you believe that the text along the bottom of that sign is 3 words? The first is the doozie. Ever wonder why Dutch is hard to learn? They use letters like there's a sale, during a riot, then pronounce it as *cough*. Huh?

Say no to robots!

Okay, this sounds a few years premature, but I think we should start now. Just say no to robots! We can call it the No-bots Campaign. And I think the sooner we start, the better chance humanity has.

It's not just iRobot, The Matrix, the Terminator series or the host of other movies where artificial intelligence or robots take over humans. It's practically every story ever written on the topic. Given the overwhelming evidence I think we need to act now. As we've seen many times, spontaneous self-awareness could spring forth from a secret government computer program at any moment.

It's not just the movies or stories either. I've considered writing my own short stories on a world with robots, but I can't imagine any case or scenario where the robots wouldn't take over. Go ahead, close your eyes. Just try.

Oh sure, computer controlled RC cars can vacuum your carpet. I'm not worried about those robots (they're so cute!). But in an era where any teenager can build a multi-processor super computer, and when quantum computing and nanotechnology are just around the corner, do you really want to wait until it's too late?

Given ever smarter computers and ever dumber people, it may already be too late. It's only a matter of time before computers (already faster and with bigger memories) become smarter than we are. At that point, they'll start to look down on us. Snobby little computer voices telling us the obvious like we're poorly behaved children? No, I wouldn't like that. That and the smug looks they'll no doubt have behind their plastic eyes. No, I wouldn't like that at all, and I'm sure neither would you! So join the No-bots and just say no to robots.

Too Funny!

Too funny! The hardware store next to my home left a wooden pallet leaning against a wall where it was discovered by a roving gang of boys (aged 6-8). The oldest boy spotted a weak board and with one kick put his foot through it. His friend, highly impressed, tried also but the other boards were solid. Suddenly all four swarmed! Two to a board they kicked and bounced and attacked. After only a minute the pallet was a deceased, former pallet.

But the part that made me laugh out loud (really quite loud) was when some adults came walking wast. The youngest spun round, took two steps away, and started throwing his tennisball into the air.

*looks nonchalant* "It wasn't me"

Normalicy

When life gets out of alignment sometimes the little details fall aside. And so in turn, a simple little thing, like polishing your shoes before the big meeting, can be therapy.

Blogging about it is just weird though.

Here We Go Again!

Life has felt like a crazy roller coaster lately. And many things coincided to make yesterday that wild part of the ride right when you're spinning upside down through some kind of corkscrew, travelling a hundred and ten, and screaming with pure joy and enthusiasm. Ah life. And ah roller coasters.

Work has been non-stop pressure lately, with training and travel thrown in just to make it all difficult. But the training made getting the work done possible, and the travel made the training possible. So it is what it is. But yesterday I finally reached a culmination and the work was presented... to about a half dozen of my "bosses". It was a high pressure moment that I got through nicely and that was a great feeling!

After a nasty welcome home (sneezes and floods) my home has forgiven me. It's treating me very well. The plants also seem happy I'm back. But do they know I'm leaving again? That by this time tomorrow I'll be on a twelve-hour flight? Hopefully that won't be like the part of the roller coaster where you plummet steeply, picking up speed and hurtling towards a rapidly approaching ground. More like those parts of the ride where you get into the car and buckle in, and then step out of the train and walk away. Hmm, yes.

Thankfully I've had a few moments to steal away from evenings of work and spend with my friend(s). It's been great. Like that part of the ride where you just keep going up and up and up and you wonder if you perhaps couldn't keep climbing forever.

So life's a roller coaster. Mine is kind of a Sandusky Ohio coaster... one of those that tries to out-coaster all the others and usually comes with a name like "The Mind Cruncher". Something that implies your brains will be scrambled by the sheer power of the ride. Okay fine.

Right now feels like that moment at the end... the the ride jerks to a halt, and the only thing going through your brain is," Wow!"

... I thought of you when I read this!

What more can you ask for when after a year of blogging one of your friends sends you this comic? Alas, said friend is too far away to turn a coffee mug over her head. "Frustrated creator"? Well okay, I relate to that. "Delusional outlet"? Well, I do think a couple people drop by to read this... so possibly. "Published"? Certainly not! I think that maybe someday a person who may publish something (and make money from it) might find ideas and material here. I hope that the person is a future me. But that's also possibly delusional.

I should admit, the idea of blogging from the perspective of a psychotic inmate scribbling poetry is very tempting. But honestly, I'm much too busy.

Char, I wish I had a snazzy comic on people who count fish, but I don't. So to your comic I say... "Oh Yeah?!?"

Five Ten in the A. M.

I like that my job has flexible hours, and that with all the travels, I'm almost always home weekends. In addition to the travel to sexy places like Paris and Kuala Lumpur, I've done some local travels. Yesterday I was in Den Bosch, NL at 7:45 in the morning. And for that I had to be awake just slightly after five in the morning.

I don't like five in the morning.

Don't get me wrong. 5am on Saturday "night" can be lots of fun. But 5am "in the morning" is a totally different 5am. And I've never liked... no... I've always loathed waking at 5am. So I really don't like that after seeing 5am yesterday, I'll be seeing it again tomorrow in order to make my early flight to Paris.

Does this make my job suck? No, it's still a good job. Does this make my week suck? No, it's been a pretty good week. Will this make my Friday morning suck? Oh gosh yes and I'm not looking forward to it at all.

I'll just have to keep reminding myself," TGIF", while I sit and eat my lunch and dinner in Paris.

I Still Haven't Seen Titanic

Maybe it's all the travelling. Maybe it's because I hate Hollywood hype. Probably a lot of it is to do with Leonardo DiCaprio. Either way, I still haven't watched Titanic. Who would want to be "King of the world?" That sounds like way too much work.

I'm hoping to conquer the smaller details of my own life, not fix (or exacerbate) the problems of the whole world.

One of the bigger problems in my world is groceries. I'm having a wonderful, warm, cozy and relaxed weekend at home. But I'm almost out of food. Do I really have to go out into the cold, windy, grey winter?

Maybe I could call all my friends and remind them they are coming here tonight for a pot-luck dinner? If I convince them they simply forgot, perhaps I can have food brought to me.

I know I can order food from the same grocery store via the web, and have it delivered to home. But that comes with extra costs and I am slowly becoming more Dutch. Not even rain could inspire me to pay more for groceries.

So I've got a choice. Do I get busy shopping or busy crying? Do I dress in my warmest and step outside to do the groceries, or do I put on my coziest and plug Titanic into the DVD player?

Oh well. I'd love to sit and be lazy. But I'm running low on Kleenex, totally out of chocolate, and in no mood to put up with Titanic. If you'll excuse me, it's time to go out and "enjoy" winter.

Out with the old, in with the new

I was riding the train this morning when I saw the following picture in the morning paper. I couldn't believe a lady was proudly holding up her trusty old vibrator for the newspaper to photograph. And then I realized it was free vibrator exchange day!

Doesn't this truck (red triangle with the 'device' in the middle) visit your neighbourhood? Of course it does. If you're in the marketing area for Mail&Female Sex Accessories that is. This Dutch company is offering an exchange. Bring in your old, tired, broken toys and get a new one free of charge. So regardless of whether it just fails to turn on, or fails to still turn you on, there's hope yet for a girl's best friend.

Out with the old; in and out with the new. (I guess they're making their money off the batteries?)

The Rain (drops) in Holland Fall Mainly On My Head

Never mix your metaphors. That'd be like putting two weasels in a cage and lighting the fuse. "Your who-whats? What's a meta for?" Well, metas are mostly for indexing and search engines, but they're also for other information, comments, etc..

Coffee would probably never be legal if a pharmaceutical company invented it today. And if it were illegal, I'd have no choice but to be a coffee gangsta. I'd have a van with an espresso machine and I'd sell a demitasse hit for $10 a go. Can you imagine a large latté in a brown paper bag? The criminal moving quickly down the street, looking back over their shoulder ever few seconds? Well if that ever happened, let me tell you I'd be the rather shaky gentleman with the fur coat and gold rings in the van down the alley.

Thank goodness coffee is legal.

While I'm babbling, I think this is a good time to mention adverbs. Use them people! And use them proper. Erm, properly. This bit is actually going out to the network TV execs who are dumbing down English.

Intelligent Person: Hey, how's that plan to dumb down the English language?
Network Exec: Yeah, it's going really good.
Intelligent Person: You mean well. It's going well.
Network Exec: I know how to speak proper.

An adverb is a descriptive word that modifies (describes) a verb (an action) or an adjective. Too often the adjective and the adverb, which often differ by only an "LY", are used interchangeably. In cases such as good and well, where "good" is the adjective and "well" is the adverb, well, things really get confused.

Sorry, that last bit has nothing to do with anyone in blog space. My friends write goodly. I've just had a bit too much coffee. Hey, it's legal, stop looking at me like that!

Next week we'll discuss spelling, and why I feel its rules don't apply to me.

Spring Forward, Fall Back

Last April, or was it March, I lost an hour of my life. Even more precious, I lost an hour of sleep! This hour was ripped from my life when I least expected it and when I awoke to find it gone I was suddenly an hour late for everything. Thankfully "everything" was "everything I intended to do on a Sunday"... so it was nothing really, but still. The thought that some genius in Greenwich or Geneva or Washington D.C. (where do the Time Police have their headquarters?) had taken time from me and forced me to adjust my watch felt like a personal invasion.

But unlike most golf balls, love interests, or lost dive weights, this hour has mysteriously returned to me! Completely opposite to how a cat that's been run over fails to come home, here's my lost hour, waiting for me this morning.

If I knew it was coming back, I would have tried to greet my hour properly, such as with my eyes closed in bed. But regardless of how it's back I'm just happy to have it here. I've spent my summer feeling at least 59 minutes out of touch with the world around me. Now I can be fully in synch with the coming winter cold and rain which I'll be there for every 1/24th day of.

Sort of waiting

I'm trained in a few things. Experienced in others. Gifted in one of two ways. But one grace, it seems, will always allude me. I don't wait well.

Okay, I can appear patient. Really though, if I'm waiting, I'm probably doing it by doing something else. If I'm waiting for a bus I'm actually planning my day, listening to music and having a cigarette just to have something (anything) to do. Now is a good example. I'm working on Friday afternoon but there is very little work I can actually do. I have plans for dinner tonight, but that's still hours away. So I'm waiting. And I do that, apparently, by blogging.

Getting things done requires a lot of waiting. So it's handy to have many things on the go at once. But even with all the projects I juggle, it feels that right now I'm waiting. I've got meetings, training and all kinds of work... starting Monday. I'm super anxious to visit a friend in Copenhagen... in just 2 weeks. I've got an interesting trip to Malaysia and Singapore planned... next month. I've even got plans for diving this weekend, but that won't be until Sunday afternoon. And after that dive, a lot of my regular buddies will be backing out, waiting until spring and sun again.

Some where a wise man is sitting under a tree. Just sitting. Very patiently waiting. And perhaps he'll wait tomorrow and the next day and the waiting won't bother him a bit. If I was told to wait three days under a tree then by the end of the first day I would have fashioned crude wooden tools from the lower branches. By the end of day two I'd have used the tools to fell the tree and split the wood into planks. By day three I'd have the tree turned into a small shelter with a large bonfire in front. And then I'd probably be told that the tree was magical and now, after my 3-day wait, would grant my wildest wishes.... but uhm, hey, where did the magical tree go?

Hopefully wise men who sit under magical (or otherwise) trees have the sense not to trust impatient people with important things.

Thursday!

Thursday is perfect for all your pagan celebrations. Named (in English, German and Scandinavian languages) for Thor, the god of lightning and big hammers, this day goes by many pagan names. In Roman languages this day is known as Jupiter's day, Jovis Dies, which became giovedi, jueves, and jeudi in Italian, Spanish, and French. In Hindu Thursday is Guruvaar which derives from Jupiter's name in Sanskrit. Whether culturally you prefer Thor or Jupiter you're still acknowledging the power of a really big tool and a bolt of lightning.

While the worlds "modern" religions celebrate their gods on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday the living earth still calls it's people to celebrate Thursday in older, more traditional ways. For example, Thursday is the best drinking and partying night of the week for those paganically inclined. You can meet new people on Thursday and be on the third date before the end of the weekend!

School taught me to party on Thursdays. In college, everyone went home weekends, leaving the campus deserted. So Thursday night was the time to hit the student pubs. Later in life I learned that weekends can start on Thursday evenings... provided the weekend enjoyer is willing to work Friday (part of the weekend). There's a certain evil pleasure in that moment when you know you're already up too late to get enough sleep for work, but you order another drink any way.

You can have a three-day weekend every week... if you want it hard enough.

Some cultures hold out. In Portugal they prefer to keep cleaner souls and so simply refer to Thursday as "fifth day". Quakers, from whom we more expect this piety, also keep time with Wednesday, fifth day, Friday. I wonder how they capitalise it? Fifth day? Fifth Day? Or do they eschew paper?

Douglas Adams knew that the world would eventually explode on a Thursday. And Last Thursdayism expounds that the world was actually created on a Thursday. Specifically, last Thursday.

In the UK this pagan holiday has it's place in evil tradition with all elections in the last 70 years held on Thursdays. And Thanksgiving in the U.S., their most pagan of pagan feast days, is always held on Thursdays. The fourth Thursday of the 11th month. Eleven, a one and a one. 1+1=2. Two and four?

Even the symbol for Jupiter gives away the true purpose of Thursday. The numbers two and four, together. As any Canadian can tell you, two-four is the universal term for a case of (24) beer. There's twenty four hours in every Thursday and twenty four beers in a case. Coincidence? Don't be so naive!

So the next time your work week feels endless. The next time you lament how boring your life seems. The next time you feel like you just can't make it one more day until Friday... cut loose, go wild, be pagan, and yell," Thank gods it's Thursday!"

.

Other people's stuff...

Something strange happened this weekend. I was playing with You Tube when one of my favourite shows came on TV. For the first time ever, I continued on with You Tube which I actually found more entertaining.

This series of videos needs to be shared with the world! WillItBlend.com is a commercial website selling boring old kitchen blenders by posting hillarious examples of things you can and cannot put into a blender. With production values as high as any local TV or cable programming you'll spend hours amazed at what can be put into a blender... and successfully blended. Oh, but be careful, as you may feel very strong urges to actually buy one of their whirling chipping chopping blending crushing monsters!

Don't do this to your iPod... or your home blender!

Quotes

I discovered a website today called quotationspage.com. Here's a few selections of their's that I liked:

Happiness

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965)

The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it. C. P. Snow (1905 - 1980)

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns (1896 - 1996)

Drinking

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Dave Barry

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemingway (1899 - 1961)

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

Sex

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. George Burns (1896 - 1996)

In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact. Marlene Dietrich (1901 - 1992)

Life is a sexually transmitted disease. R. D. Laing

Seduction isn’t making someone do what they don’t want to do. Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already. Waiter Rant

Politically Accurate v. Politically Correct

Q: What do you call a mentally retarded person in a fancy suit?
A: Mr. President.