New Year's Eve!

Okay gang, it's New Year's Eve and that obligates us (those of us up to the task) to participate in a crazy evening of excessive alcohol, partying, staying up late, and (here in Holland) minding the burning phosphorous raining down from the sky (fireworks).

The following are a few pointers for keeping your festivities up to standards:

1) When drinking a steady stream of alcohol, at some point you will feel sick and your body will let you know to stop drinking. If possible try to time it so this point hits after midnight. Once your body says "Stop" try to limit yourself to two more hours or 6 more beers.

2) Mixing drinks is bad! If you do it wrong. You can go from liquer down to wine down to beer. But you can't get drunk on beer and switch to liquer. Just remember the old helpful saying," Liquer then beer; everything's clear. Beer then liquer; never been sicker."

3) Ugly people get prettier the more you drink. If you're sick of hanging around with ugly friends, just keep drinking. Everyone around you will become prettier, the more you drink. (Warning: You may want a pint of scotch at your bedside in the morning... just incase you need to rebeautify your "date".)

4) In our civilized society we frown upon heavy drinking, binge drinking, making a fool of yourself in public and similar party related vices. These social pressures are good and keep the world running along smoothly on a day-to-day basis. This is the one night a year when none of these "rules" or "social graces" apply. Enjoy!

5) Lovers should spend some special time together as close as possible to midnight. Ducking away at 12:15 for a few minutes is something no one at the party will notice. Friends and strangers who've just hooked up for the evening have a more relaxed (3-4am) time schedule.

6) Wear non-flammable clothing! No one should have to be told to stick to natural fibres and fire resistant clothing, but in Holland, on this night, the sky rains fire for hours. Everywhere. So make sure to avoid hair sprays too. Seriously. Oh, and bring earplugs!

7) Don't drink and drive! I'm going to be walking miles and miles for hours tonight. For the safety of myself and others, please don't get in a car tonight. Per point 4, tonight it's acceptible to just sleep in a gutter if you have to.